Your mind is working at its best when you’re being paranoid.
You explore every avenue and possibility of your situation
at high speed with total clarity. – Banksy
Paranoia has got to be the worst battle I face with my mental health. It’s a constant fear that something is going to go wrong. The constant fear of being abandoned. A constant fear that someone is out to get me, or hates me. It’s a constant fear of being betrayed. And it’s these fears that keep me awake at night, tossing and turning, thinking about things until I can’t physically think anymore.
Paranoia to me is irrational thoughts and fears that I cannot get over. It’s triggered relatively easily by the most ridiculous of things at time. My paranoia is with me 90% of the time. The slightest change in something gets me paranoid and upset and wanting to curl up in a ball and ride out whatever bad thing is about to happen. Honestly, it sucks.
There’s something quite troubling about the way our minds work sometimes. It’s scary to think that our own worst enemy can be ourselves and the way we’re thinking about things. My paranoia has so often pushed people away, and I’m constantly terrified that I’m going to keep pushing people away and that they may never return to my life – paranoid about being alone forever, ultimately because of myself and the way I feel and react to certain things.
I try to bottle up my paranoia as much as I can, but this honestly doesn’t help and it just makes me feel worse. Sometimes I just need to let it all out about how I’ve been feelings. And I’ve found talking to be the best way forward because it means people know and understand what’s making you upset and paranoid and then they can find ways of helping you deal with it or ways of not triggering it.
Ultimately, paranoia is like a knife being constantly stabbed into your brain. It’s like an endless stream of thoughts and “what ifs” that you simply cannot get rid of and keep repeating to yourself over and over.