Depression, Eating Disorders, Recovery, Suicide

Having An Uncontrollable Eating Disorder

There is no magic cure, no making it go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

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Whether it’s binge eating or anorexia, an eating disorder is very hard to control. It may start off as “I need to gain a bit more weight” or “I need to go on a diet”, which is perfectly fine as long as the end result isn’t extremely dramatic.

I personally have anorexia and this started when I was younger. During my journey of depression I felt so worthless to the point where food wasn’t a priority to me. I would go weeks without eating, and survive on only water and energy drinks then have to battle life at school and home. I thought food was the devil and because I was suicidal I was afraid to gain a healthy amount of weight. As I slowly got happier the urge to get thinner emerged. Everyday I looked in the mirror and saw so much body fat and it got to the point where I physically tried to rip off my own skin.

I had no idea that in the future this would cause me to be extremely anaemic and ill. I’m lucky I’m starting my recovery now and I’m grateful every day for each meal I have. Although I’m very skinny and most days do feel fat, I have the healthiest relationship with my body than ever. If I would have realised the dangers of what I was doing to myself maybe I would have stopped and saught help before it was almost too late.

My main inspiration for getting help was the movie “To The Bone”. It goes into extreme detail about eating disorders and is very enlightening when you’re really stuck and struggling with your situation.

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