Living With Suicidal Thoughts – And How I’m Defeating Them

And here you are living, despite it all – Rupi Kaur


It’s no secret that I’ve battled my way through suicidal thoughts, and a number of actual attempts at taking my own life. It’s no secret that I’m diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and will likely be suffering with mental illness for a long time to come.

People have told me I’m selfish for wanting to take my own life. I’ve been called a coward when I’ve actually tried to do so. People in western society view suicide as a cowardly act that only the lowest of the low are capable of doing to themselves. They view us as selfish beings who don’t care about upsetting others and only value our own happiness. But something needs to be said about this perception of suicide:

We’re the opposite of selfish when we talk about wanting to kill ourselves. We’re the opposite of selfish when we take one too many pills in the hope of dying slowly. We’re thinking only of the people around us rather than ourselves. We’re thinking only of how people around us would be better off without us in their lives. We’re thinking only of how those in our lives must be so fed up of us being depressed that removing ourselves from the picture would be one less worry for them. We think this way and make these plans and have these attempts at our own lives because, ultimately, we think it’s what will make other people happy. We’re not selfish, we just need convincing enough that doing this final act would not make anyone happier. We need convincing that people would not be better off without us, that people would suffer greatly without us. We ultimately need understanding and comfort.

Living with suicidal thoughts is tough, it drains every last bit of energy from your soul. The thoughts convince you that you’re not good enough. That everyone hates you. The thoughts convince you that the only real way to escape all of the pain and make everyone happy is to end it all for good. The thoughts convince you that ending your own life is the only way of reuniting yourself with people you have lost. It becomes all encompassing to the point where it is all you think about. It becomes addictive to make plans. It becomes addictive to attempt suicide. Much like ecstasy gives you a high, suicidal tendencies and self harm makes you feel more than you’ve probably felt in years.

I have my ways of avoiding the thoughts however, and I have my ways of calming myself down. One thing I’ve found particularly helpful throughout this battle is scrolling through apps such as Pinterest and looking at quotes about mental illness. They inspire me to continue fighting and they show me how things can and will get better. Sometime’s it’s literally just a case of mind over matter, and you have to do all you can to talk yourself out of it.

Other things I find helpful have included distracting myself by watching my favourite comedians such as Sarah Millican and Michael McIntyre. Or by talking to friends about how I’m feeling and seeking the advice and comfort that they can give.

When it comes to this battle, it has to involve therapy at some stage. You need to go through therapy in order to overcome your demons and to look at things differently. But until then my advice is to distract yourself the best you can, and don’t bottle anything up. Bottling things up often just makes you feel worse, and that’s the last thing we want to happen when you’re suffering from suicidal thoughts.

On the whole, living with suicidal thoughts is a long battle that needs to be fought. It’s a battle against yourself and your own thoughts, and it sucks every last bit of life out of you. It leaves you drained and constantly tired. But there are ways of avoiding the thoughts and putting them to the furthest reaches of your mind where they belong, and you should always look for ways to distract yourself.

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